|
SubscriptionsSites I Read
|
|
|
|
| <div id="resdiv"><center><table border="0" style="border: 1px solid black; background: white;" width="410">
<tr height="20"><td></td></tr>
<tr><td align="center"><img style="border: 3px solid black;" src="http://img.quizgalaxy.com/obituary-Liz-5-7-13.jpg" alt="QuizGalaxy!" /></td></tr>
<tr height="20"><td></td></tr>
<tr><td align="center" style="font-size: 8pt;"><a style="color: #FF0000;" href="'What">http://www.quizgalaxy.com/quiz.php?id=114">'What will your obituary say?'</a> at <a href="http://www.quizgalaxy.com" style="color: #FF0000;">QuizGalaxy.com</a></td></table></center>
</div> | | |
| A rose garden.
Smile for awhile and lets be jolly. Love shouldn't be so melancholy...
| | |
| I say my goodbyes to April and the fading dreams I had when it first began. The last two months of my life are something I will cherish always. All the pain, hurt, was worth it. Now, with my head held high I return to my real home once more. In mere hours, my reality will shatter. I will see my beloved once more, he will embrace me and take the pain away. But I wonder, will I be able to take away his? He will forgive me. That is what I tell myself at least. I was spared certain pains by being here and useless worry. I am greatful. My life will get more crazy and I better buckle up for safety. This will be a bumpy ride.
| | |
| Years since I last used this thing. I wonder if anyone still uses this thing... or if anyone wanders onto my site out of nostalgia... For the past... All the memories of my life were documented here and now, once again I will re-open into this old world where I can once agin vent out my lifes frustration.
Where have I been? What have I done? The answers are shocking. When I first used this, my first logs were of my innocence. Before the corruption of the one I married. I do not blame him, it was my choice and I do not regret it. I want to live. Isn't that funny? I actually have something I want so badly in life that I feel no need to run. I used to run from place to place trying to escape myself. I get caught up in the wrong thing. I will be putting this all behind me. I feel like Alice felt in Wonderland. If anyone has ever read the actual books you'd understand what I am talking about. It is a feeling that is very hard to describe.
Moving on, lately I have felt out of sorts with myself. Ten years of my life has vanished before my eyes. I feel at a loos, one I never have felt before. I am not certain what is going on inside of me. I have something to prove but this time, I am unable to see how I am to do that. I have been through a lot over the years and none of those experiences has prepared me for this. Alex might be out of my life forever now. I do not know how I feel about that. Or if I am supposed to feel anything. Love? Was it? After all those years... My dream come true... Yes, I was in love with him. But what if he wasn't the only one? Am I really capable of being able to fall in love more than once in life? Is anyone? Let me try to analyze the situation...
Alex- Met when I was 14. he was 13. Back when the world still spun in rapid circles because he couldn't deal with the loss of his mother and I couldn't deal with my life. He was my best friend. I used to call him late at night, when I couldn't sleep. Or when I had a bad dream. We'd spend hours just talking. For years... We could just talk and he was always there. When I needed him most he was there. And now, I don't know what I am supposed to do. I don't want to admit defeat and lose ther only person I really considered a real friend. I think, out of everyone, he was the one person I really believed in. Even though he always lied to me, used me, manipulated me into doing what he wanted, when it mattered the most he was always there. he stalked me down on his own and one word from him was like gold to me. I cherished it, honored it and he had my respect. Unconditional. Eternal...
Gideon- When I heard his voice I knew I'd marry him. Is that strange? That it was just to hear him speak my name and I felt something click. Gideon... I will one day be your wife. We had a year together before he was arrested and we lived a lifetime. The things couples do in years, decades, we did in one. As if these were his last days alive, we made every moment count. He got me to do things no one else in the world will be able to talk me into. Alex I did things for but not in the way I did for Gideon. Gideon brought out the best in me. Alex brought out the worst. Gideon never lied to me, never hit me, never used me. He worshipped me and treated me like his Goddess. I had a child with Gideon and I swore I'd never have any. Yes, and no matter his past I became proud of who he turned out to be. I still am proud. I was there when he was a different person, I watched the change. His eyes... still look at me with all the love in the world. He will love me unconditionally. Always.
Yes, I fell in love more than once. A love that started as a child, bloomed and withered away like any common flower. It will always cause me pain to think of those years worth of memories. That whole decade... And I can't say I regret any of it. You have to be able to look back and ask yourself if it was worth it. My whole life, no matter how fucked up in a way was worth it. For a moment I lived my dream. Even for one day, one night, I had it. It was real. And I can hold onto that and the pain, although may never heal, won't always hurt as bad. Think of the smiles, not the tears. I remind myself of this but its in bittersweet agony. My heart is inmisery, I die inside but I have to go on. My story still needs an ending and I am needed by my dark angels side once again.
| | |
|
I sit here thinking about everything that has taken place on this day
over the last four years. Where I was, how I looked, what I was into...
Not much has changed. Funny thing is four years ago this time I was
still a virgin. And I'm 22. Beat that. I was almost 19.
Goody
Two Shoes, as I was so frequently called in school, wasn't as bad as it
might seem now. With all the teeny boppers who are whores losing their
virginity at 12 and 14 and by the time they are my age have had sex
with about 12 guys... (WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THE YOUTH?) I'd
rather be a goody two shoes, I was proud of myself. It isn't like I was
so unfortunate looking in my younger age, I actually look pretty much
the same. Haven't really aged much since I was 15. I chose not to get
involved because I wanted better for myself. I wanted to be an adult
because I believe relationships are very much an adult decision that
should be left to adults. I wanted to enjoy being a child when I had
the chance. I didn't need to hurry up and be grown up. It would happen
on it's own. Usually when you try to hard to be something you really
aren't, and to try to comprehend the complexities of love when you are
a teenager is one of the most dumbest thing, we as humans, could
possibly do. How many of you out there who when you were in middle
school or new to high school believed they were in love at 13 or 14?
And how many of you look back now and really realize you full of shit
because you hadn't the vaguest real conception of what it was you were
trying to conceive of?
Know how my friends described me to
people? It is something that I have grown to be very proud of now.
Smart. Highly Intelligent. I never got that whole,"She has a really
good personality." Which turns out to be one of the first major lies or
one of the first things you say about someone who isn't as "pretty" as
the other might expect. I'd rather be called a brainiac any day. When I
was 15, one of my known nicknames was in fact,"Brain." I think
intelligence is a key factor as a turn on. If you do not have a brain,
you can be the most beautiful creature on the planet but after the
novelty wears off, you're left with nothing but empty space. Between
two ears.
Brains and beauty... A deadly combination. (Like my
husband. Be jealous. Beat that.) See, four years ago today, I got into
my FIRST real relationship but I was still foolish. Still stupid. I
believed I was in love but I really had no clue. Sometimes, we humans,
who are so desperate to be rescued from ourselves, and we want to be in
love. We have to be loved because we can't stand the thought of being
alone. All of us have been prone to that at least once in our pathetic
existence on this thing we call Earth. We lie to ourselves so much
that we start to believe in that lie. Who are we without this person?
What are we? It is like a drug, you become addicted to it. Sometimes
even addicted to all the drama that ensues from it all. We play victim,
but the only thing we are really victim of is our own selfish stupidity.
In
the end, because I played victim, I ended up in a bad relationship. It
was abusive in all forms of the word. Why? There is no real reason why.
We do it all the time, in one way or another. We are all guilty of
this. I didn't really find out what real love was until I was 20 years
old. When I met the person I am now married to. I waited until I was
married to even begin to have children. See, we can run from one person
to another claiming to have loved them all and then one day, when we
come into adulthood do we really realize what love is. And we fall flat
on our asses. Dazed. Confused. Why?
Because we aren't victims of
circumstance. We are victims from the drama we create in our own little
worlds. We dwell and feed off past mistakes. Like a drug. I used to
have flashbacks because of MY OWN WORD ASSOCIATION. Until one day, I
realized that all I had to do was GROW THE HELL UP. Stop living in the
past and stop letting the things that CAN NEVER BE CHANGED EFFECT MY
DAY TO DAY. This is something that very rarely people learn. WHAT THE
HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? You are sad because you CHOOSE to be sad. You
let something bother you because you so choose to let it. You don't
have to. It is as simple as making a brand new choice. Change it. It is
in your own power to do so. But most people don't. And why? Because
they are addicted to the chemical reaction that the drama they stir up
in themselves gives them. Foolish mortals.
Learn from a fish,
forget the past. Move on. Why live with your head in the clouds,
dreaming of something that never even existed in the first place. We
only thought that it did because we lied to ourselves in the first
place and said it did. Nothing is real unless we so choose to make it
that way.
The past is the past for a reason. Yet we still have
to hold on to it. Memories are materialist. We can't take them with us
when we die. So why hold on so tight when it does no good. We wrap
ourselves in people and fragments of memories that tie us to, lets say
our childhood. FOR WHAT? In the long run, no matter how long you may
have known someone, you never know them half as well as you pretend to.
You're just holding onto something that doesn't exist or matter. People
are people and they do come and go. We need, male and female, to stop
thinking with our "penis" and grow the fuck up. Oh, "This person is
hot. This person was this. This person is that." Does it really matter?
Evolve. Forget the past, it does no good to hold on to it. You can't
change what is already done. Leave it where it lies. It is called the
past for a reason. If you have forgotten what the meaning behind the
word is, like so many of the peons in existence have, I will bestow a
little fountain of knowledge to you all.
past Audio pronunciation of "past" ( P ) Pronunciation Key (pst)
adj.
1. No longer current; gone by; over: His youth is past.
2. Having existed or occurred in an earlier time; bygone: past events; in years past.
IT IS NO LONGER! IT IS GONE! The only way the past can ever effect you is if YOU let it. Stop the cycle. Move on.
I
used to think moving on was something hard to do. Then one day and woke
up and decided that it was simple so it became simple. Most things we
fail to realize is that we are a certain way because we choose to have
it be that way. You can make or break your destiny. I have begun to
finally try to make mine. I have found a greater purpose than myself,
than my selfishness, to live for. I can either cry,"Oh poor me." Or I
can DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.
Chasing after long lost dreams, hung up on long lost crushes. Pathetic waste of our lives. Erase and rewrite it.
Wanting to spit out the jarred thoughts
Because there's no other proof of my existence
My future that I should've grabbed hold is
Conflicting between "dignity" and "freedom"
Wanting to erase the distorted afterimage
Because I'll see my limit over there
In the window of the excessively self-conscious me
There are no dates in last year's calendar
Erase and rewrite
The pointless ultra-fantasy
Revive
The unforgettable sense of being
Rewrite
The meaningless imagination
The driving force that creates you
After cutting my feelings that grew, I regret
After realizing that after all, I'm just a mediocrity, I cry
A depressed heart
A dirty lie
Give it your whole body and soul
My sentiments exactly. I couldn't have said it better myself.
This
isn't to diss anyone per se, it is more of a life lesson very few
choose to learn. I myself have played victim many times. It grows
tiring after awhile. I do certain things, I still have drama. I am just
aware of things and do my best to TRY to relax. Even though, more often
than not, it seems nearly impossible to do. Stop living in your wasted
delusional fantasies. Stop holding on to any and all things past. It is
good to have friends but to dwell on what used to be really is silly if
you think about it logically. Especially the people you haven't seen in
years who you really never know as well as you lie to yourself about.I
doubt they have given you too much thought and vice-versa. The only
reason why we do is because we get all nostalgic and like to dig up old
past dramas. We like to torture our selves in our self loathing and
pity.
History is like an endless waltz, the same thing is
probably going to happen again. Only because we put ourselves in that
position to make that possible. We relive the same old situations, we
go through the same cycles. We whine and complain about how horrible it
is and most of us do nothing to stop it. Bottom line, grow up. If you
don't like something, if something keeps coming back to haunt you, get
off your lazy ass and DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. Otherwise, keep quiet. It
is of your own fault anyway.
| | |
|
